Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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