So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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