did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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