Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
