she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
