Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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