I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everything about him screamed your future.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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