The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
