guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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