If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
