I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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