Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
