Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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