So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
