My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Boobs speak an international language.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
