So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
