When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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