I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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