So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
