don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
