I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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