You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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