areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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