Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
