6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
