The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
