I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
