I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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