I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
