I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
