ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
