You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
