I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
