I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
