why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
