I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's blow job season.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
