well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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