I am spending my child support on dildos
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
