Who wears a wallet chain?!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
