I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize