we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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