Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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