Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
