Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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