Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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