before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
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