Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
