i think i scared a bird with my dick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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