Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
