Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
