His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
