It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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