So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
