brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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