my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
