I just threw up on my dentist
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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