i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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